Sorry
by allya373
Summary: an angsty oneshot because this ship has no content; inspired by the Halsey song


It had been an akuma.

Nathaniel had hated the violet butterflies and their influence from the very beginning. He had seen the cruel effects on their victims, the psychological and emotional trauma they faced afterwards, and how none of them could really ever recover after their respective incidents.

After all, who could be so heartless and sadistic to seek out pain and prey on it, turning into something evil?

He'd had first-hand experience with that vicious voice in his head. Even later, months after the night he found himself in Chloe's room with a foggy mind and fading memories, he'd wake up shaking in a cold sweat. His akumatization hadn't even been one of the worse ones… or so he was told. It certainly felt like the worst experience possible in life. Naturally, he couldn't really compare his own to those of others in this case.

At least his had been something of a quieter affair. Only Marinette, Chloe, and the superheroes had really been involved. Meanwhile, others had broadcasted or even targeted the entire city while under the akumas' influence. It didn't matter who they were underneath anymore, the twisted supervillain ego was the only thing seen by anyone who hadn't cared otherwise to begin with.

On top of that, some of the akumas' effects didn't leave only their direct victims with invisible scars. Alix bore the guilt of the terror of the entire class, as well as a number of people she hadn't even known to begin with. No matter how many times they all assured her it was alright in the end, nothing would ever truly erase the feelings of the incident from their memories.

So Nathaniel knew better than to blame the akuma victim herself. That didn't stop him from loathing the cursed butterfly itself with every vengeful fiber of his being.

Because while the rest of the city might also be suffering nightmares for the next indefinite period of time, he was going to be enduring them alone.

And the dark insect was completely at fault.

Nathaniel was the kind of person for whom being involved in a relationship was treading on eggshells. He'd never been the most self-confident person, but it was truly difficult to maintain a healthy bond when he second-guessed every move and constantly doubted the sincerity of anyone who seemed to care for him in the slightest.

It wasn't his fault that there was an omnipresent paranoia ebbing at his mind that told him all his acquaintances were only associating with him out of secret motives or pity, that barred him from being able to call them friends - because he wasn't worth friends. He was shy and uninteresting and only talented in his extensive knowledge of the Marvel comics universe and a good half of the anime in existence. Friends joked and laughed and hung out at the movies on Saturdays. Nathaniel couldn't come up with even a moderately funny joke if his life depended on it, he constantly worried if they were laughing with him or at him, and he'd rather isolate himself in his room for the next three years than go out and face the possibility of having to interact with _people_.

Luka had helped him so much. His charming smile and casual demeanor countered Nath's own introverted personality. His soothing voice could calm the redhead's nerves and let him enjoy the moment instead of overthinking every aspect of everything. Luka could convince him that he wasn't just hanging around out of boredom or responsibility or pity.

Luka made Nathaniel feel like someone.

But if that alone could have exterminated the hateful voice in his head, Nathaniel wouldn't find himself crying himself to sleep every night, losing slumber over malicious thoughts creeping into his mind in the dead of darkness and solitude.

Sometimes - like the day Luka came to him gushing over the newest song he had created and begging to share it, or when he insisted that Nathaniel's art was the best he'd ever seen - he felt like he might have finally let go of the anxiety once and for all. Those days, he was on top of the world.

And then, some days, doubts slammed against the walls of his brain and his heart, telling him it was fake, he was growing too attached, Luka didn't see him the same way Nath saw him. It was poisonous, and in retrospect, Nathaniel wasn't sure if it would have been a better thing if the akuma had picked its ultimate victim or chosen himself instead.

It would have left him feeling the same way, either way. Why not avail from some ducky superpowers in the meantime?

The supervillain had effectively enveloped Paris in darkness and let the raw, negative emotion flow. Needless to say, the city was immediately overcome by panic and chaos. Civilians found themselves being attacked by their own thoughts - every single pessimistic idea to ever have crossed their mind resurfaced and magnified itself tenfold.

Nathaniel temporarily went insane. One voice became a thousand wailing echoes, simultaneously screaming a cacophony of venomous taunts, preying on every single weakness and tearing him apart.

Suddenly, he was nothing again. Plain, useless, boring, wimpy, incompetent...all the words from separate instances at different times, banding together in sync and rushing into his head. He was invisible, insignificant, utterly null in a sea of better people he could not hope to be.

And Luka was trying to ground him, trying to ease the bad thoughts, trying to tell him it wasn't real...but then Luka's face morphed into something else. It was twisted and horrific and the voice that was once a source of comfort was harsh and cutting. Nathaniel involuntarily surrendered control of his imagination to anxiety, and soon, the only things flashing through his mind were images of the unseen future, fearful guesses at what was to come.

Alone. Irrelevant. Friendless. Luka turning his back on him - he had never been on his side to begin with. Nathaniel had known it, known it from the very start, and yet, he still let himself give in. How many times had he struggled to keep others away for fear of this very outcome, and now, the one person he had lowered his walls down for, wasn't really sincere at all, was he?

Anxiety and paranoia clawed through him, asking him, begging him, _why didn't I listen?_ he thought. But was it really him thinking anymore, or had he completely given in to those terrible forces altogether?

In all his misery, Nathaniel's senses were failing to register his external surroundings properly. Luka was unsuccessfully trying to lock him in a tight and calming embrace, one that Nathaniel seemed to be doing his best to escape.

" _Nathaniel, please, snap out of it,"_ he tried, but Nathaniel wouldn't listen. _"I'm right here."_

The redhead was, despite all Luka's attempts to console him otherwise, set on the idea that the older teen had only been leading him on all this time.

"You're going to leave me. I know it."

Nathaniel's voice was small and broken, eyes foggy and filled with tears. Luka struggled to maintain a grip on his own emotions and somehow bring Nathaniel back to reality. His own demons were calling him, too, and their patience was wearing thin.

"I won't," Luka swore with as much as sincerity as he could put into his voice.

But Nathaniel was shaking his head, tears spilling out. He lowered his head so his hair fell in front of his eyes, shuffling back. Luka didn't bother trying to smooth the crimson locks out of his face anymore. The ravenette took a breath and tried his final resort.

" _I love you."_

He didn't miss the way the younger teen froze, eyes widening. The way his small frame stiffened defensively and he looked up with a caution that bridged the final gap between Luka and a decision he had been considering making for a very long time now. And he most definitely didn't miss the words Nathaniel mumbled in response.

"I really hope you aren't lying to me, Luka. Because I feel a lot of things for you, and I don't like people playing around with my emotions..."

He stared at the older teen, trying to read the impassive expression on his face through the haze clouding his own mind, before a swarm of ladybugs whooshed between them.

Luka could see the visible effects of the negative influences disappearing from the redhead's body as his own bad thoughts relaxed and lifted, but he had his mind made up and there was no going back now.

"You wanted me to come over…?" Nathaniel's voice was nervous, more like he was asking a question than stating a fact.

Luka nodded seriously, sighing as the artist cautiously sat down beside him.

"I...um...what did you want to...?"

"Listen, Nath," Luka started, a bit more brusquely than he'd initially intended. Nathaniel only looked more nervous, and the fearful look in his eyes would have broken the musician if he hadn't firmly set his resolve in advance.

"I wanted to talk about the akuma attack the other day..."

"Oh, uh..." the redhead visibly relaxed, making Luka feel the tiniest bit guilty, but he pushed it away.

"It really had a negative influence on you..."

"I guess I'm just prone to negative thoughts..." Nathaniel responded awkwardly.

"But really, how much of it was the akuma, and how much of it was you?" Luka asked, voice definitely carrying an edge. Nathaniel was stiffening again.

"Wh-what do you mean?" he asked, voice breaking slightly with nervous surprise.

"Nathaniel, tell me something. Honestly." Luka looked up to meet him dead in the eye. He didn't push his hair out of the other's face like he usually did, and Nathaniel seemed to notice that, too. "Do you trust me?"

Nathaniel swallowed, watching Luka warily.

"I..yeah, why?" he answered in a transparent attempt to sound confident.

"Do you really, though?"

Nathaniel looked down, and Luka felt something small break inside, something he had prepared for already, not that it made it any easier when it actually happened.

"Nathaniel," he started softly. "This is the problem, the reason we haven't been able to move forward to anything. We're stuck in one place and we can't go on unless we can establish a mutual trust…"

Nathaniel was trembling but it didn't matter anymore. This wasn't Luka's issue to deal with anymore.

He took a deep breath and let it out.

"I'm really sorry, Nathaniel, but we can't ever work out if you can't trust me. It feels like I'm constantly tiptoeing around you, trying to gain your trust, but I guess that isn't going to work in the end..."

He looked at the redhead, silently begging him to say something in defense, contradicting him, anything, but he was quiet. His lip was trembling and Luka desperately wanted to hug him, but held himself back.

"I'm sorry," he repeated simply. "I truly am. But until you can learn to gain some self-confidence and stop doubting everything, things really aren't going to work out well for you..."

Nathaniel knew he was right. Of course he was right. The look in Luka's eyes was pleading him to tell him he was wrong, but he couldn't, wouldn't bring himself to say it. Something was choking him and the words wouldn't come out.

Luka's expression changed to one of disappointment and he sighed regretfully, looking down and away.

"Well, then, that's all..." he finished awkwardly, getting up and making to leave before the uncomfortable silence became unbearable. No one said anything, still.

He closed the door after him, leaving Nathaniel alone with only the option to wallow in hopeless despair or to take a lesson and move forward.

Looking back on it, Nathaniel reasoned that it wasn't really fair to hold the butterfly responsible for his misery. Or Hawk Moth. Or Luka, for that matter.

In the end, he decided to blame anxiety. Not that placing blame ever made a difference, anyways.

Because sometimes, most of the time, life doesn't give you a happily ever after.

Sometimes it's your fault. Sometimes it's not.

And it was that last thing that mystified Nathaniel, more than anything else.

" _So I'm sorry to my unknown lover_

 _Sorry that I can't believe_

 _That anybody ever really_

 _Starts to fall in love with me"_

 _~Halsey, Sorry_


End file.
